I want to kill myself so help?

i need help...i no that most people are fakes when they say this but im not fine dont belive me...not like its gonna matter anyways...but anyways...im 13...life sucks...my best friends who i was in love with killed himself...my gma died...i cant keep a guy...i constently fight with my rentles...i have very few friends...all of wich are like me and wear black constently(like me) andare often depressed...i cut and it makes me feel good...i have nothing to live for anymore...i dont fear death at all because i dont care what happend afterwards im not christan in wiccan so dont go preaching on me...not like it would help anyways...i have blocked myself off im just a numb shelll...i have sealed all my emotions behind a door and im just always depressed or ticked off.....when i laugh i fake....when i smile its all fake....all for show...i spend all my time listening to hevy metal music and writing depressing poems on how my life sucks and i want to die...i always feel responsible for my friend killing himself....cuz its prolly my fault...i dont eat anymore....i dont sleep anymore...my parents dont even notice....i dont even no my father....my family doesnt even no me anymore...so...y not kill myself....because whats their worth living for now anyways...